if only....

If only....

*I had realized I had my shirt on backwards earlier today. I have on a black turtleneck and never noticed the itchy tag up front until just recently. How bizarre that it is driving me nuts now, but I didn't feel it all day long?!

If only....

*It would have snowed a little bit more and we would have had that snow day. A day to curl up and watch a good movie, possibly play in the snow (depending on how crazy the wind was), and forget about the responsibilities for at least one day.

If only....

*The person in charge of Girl Scouts had put in the DAY they were changing the meetings to, and not just the time. It would have been much warmer to stay inside, then to take the bus to pick up Madeleine's friend and go down to a meeting that ends up being on Friday and not tonight {really, who has Girl Scout's on Fridays?! This isn't going to work out if they keep that day}.

If only....

I had the desire to put away our Christmas decorations. I don't. I love them up - warm and cheerful, and besides without lights in the ceiling the tree lights are providing light in the area of the Living Room that is usually dark. I can't imagine our space without that little tree - even though, I could definitely be happy having that precious space back. Dilemma. Do I leave the tree up for a little bit longer (I did also want some greenery in this room last fall, and thought about getting a tree anyway!), or do I take down the tree and try to find a lamp. Probably more realistic the latter - but still so sad to think of actually putting away the decorations. And a pain - the boxes are at the very bottom of our "storage" closet, which is our Master Bedroom closet. Lovely - maybe I'll just wait to see if we move before I pack up twice!

If only....

*We had $4,000 a month to spend on a place to live. Then we could afford the rent for some of these homes that I am finding in the area we are contemplating moving to. I don't even like to think about the size home I'd get for $4K in Utah, Texas, Florida....or Wisconsin. I know random right? It's not like there are jobs in ANY of these states for us - but I have watched with fascination people finish school with us or a year behind us and move to these areas and buy homes that are new, huge and with a mortgage that is less than we spend on our rent each month.

Oh well. All I really want right now is a 2nd bathroom. And if really pressed, I'd take a 3rd bedroom for Madeleine. But I just really want that 2nd bathroom for about 3 situations each day when everyone suddenly needs the bathroom at the same time! :)

And by the way - we are NOT spending 4K for a home. That would be ridiculous at this time.

If only....

*I could come to grips with where we need to be living next year. We sat for our Exec. Board Meeting today with the PTA. I am a little tired of being on the "crossroads" with situations with the Administration that were the same issues a year and a half ago. We are now at our own crossroads with our own family and life, and need to decide if we will stay here for any more time after February...whether it's until the end of the school year, to move in February, or sign for another 18 month lease and then consider moving for Madeleine in Middle School. Or to stay here for Middle School? I just don't know what is going to happen - and it's too complicated at times to think through.

I have talked to so many parents about applications for Middle Schools in the city. And these are for PUBLIC schools! You have to apply for everything here. I have thought about having Madeleine home schooled next year, and keeping the boys at the school.

The issue for me is that in looking at the areas up in Westchester, they are established with a well run Administration and a Teaching Staff that is NON Union, as compared to our teachers here in the city that seem to be bound by everything due to the stupid (sorry) Union. I really dislike Unions. And you know what is really strange here. There is so much pressure from Unions that makes it terrible on those that don't want to join them. Teachers don't seem to have a choice - but around the city when a business is in trouble for something with the Union, someone via the Union puts up a big blown up RAT outside of their building. It's a huge visual sign to ostracize this company, for I have no idea what - I'm sure some things might be terrible, but come on....a blown up RAT? I think Unions are the bigger rats.

Anyway, the schools in the 'burbs are funded by property tax that has allowed them to keep in programs that our school cut out. They have all the perks that we don't - however, it's not in the city. Which brings me to....

If only....

*Bryson wouldn't work such crazy hours, so that his trip home at night (if we did live out in the burbs) would take the 15-20 minutes that it does here. Well, if he takes a car it can be longer - but one day he called me as he was leaving his desk. 12 minutes later his key was in the door. That was a magical commute as the train had arrived right when he went down to the platform, and the Red Bus was right outside the station when he got home to the Island. I don't think we have had many 12 minute commutes - 15 to 20 is more realistic, and moving out would put him between 40 and 50 minutes.

If only thinking about 3 children and their school, life and what is best for them didn't make it so that the one person that makes this all possible with providing for us with his job - had to have such a drastic change.

If only.....

I could hire someone to make this decision for us. To look at the apartments here that we could move into. To look at the homes out in Westchester. To look at the Middle Schools here in the city. To tour the Elementary and Middle Schools out there. To weigh out walking, bus, subway and rental car here. To find a car that we would buy if we move out. It sounds like it would be easier on our lifestyle eventually to move out - but moving is never easy right at first. A lot of changes, and figuring things out. I don't like to stress out, and I'm not - it's just a lot when I start to think of everything we need to take into consideration.

If only this decision were done and put behind us. I'd love to pretend it just doesn't exist....but then if I do that, we'll be stuck with the decision to stay here only because I didn't put forth the effort to find out other options.

Man 'if only's' are dangerous and I shouldn't play this game often. It could become depressing and maybe too easy to wallow in my own if only this would come true of us mentality! - although for tonight, it was helpful and my own way to sort out some feelings.

Now....if only we can follow our hearts and promptings and make sure that we are making the best decision coming up. Actually that if only needs to be 'of course, only...'