terrible - horrible - no good - very bad - day

It was probably one of the worst days that I have had since we moved here to the city. A day when coming home tonight on the subway I wanted to burst out in tears, but was afraid that it would worry Madeleine and Jacob (the B's had a special day today, which eventually the story will unfold as I tell this...hang tight). Also, I was worried that people would look at me like I was a complete nut - which I am, but really bursting out in sobs on the subway was probably not the best of the best idea.

So I saved it for when I got home.

And then it all came rushing out, and I had one very surprised, terrified and humored (is that a word?) husband. He went from concerned, listening and trying to be sympathetic...maybe even empathetic....to laughing at me because today really was a day where everything seemed to go wrong - and then a man who was backing away from me....probably because in my anguish I had taken to occasionally throwing out a punch to his shoulder. It was helping me feel a lot better to get everything out of my system - but he was getting a little nervous for his safety. He suggested that I hit the pillow or the bed. I suggested that I take a bath and he fix dinner. We agreed that was probably the best for everyone.

Then he suggested I write this all down, so that in 2 weeks I could read about it and laugh. I took Jacob's favorite word and came back with "NEVER! I'll never laugh about this".

And I'll start by giving my rant of what I was crying about to Bryson.....

For today I was going to a Primary Training Meeting (new calling - well, old-new calling as the Primary Chorister...this is my 4th time!  Which now ties for how many times I've been a Ward Missionary), and I was taking Madeleine and Jacob.  Bryson Sr. was taking Bryson Jr. to basketball and then they both had dentist appointments - and then they were going on a B's activity (their terminology for the one-on-one "date" activity).  Little Bryson was so excited for his own time with Daddy!  

We were all running a little behind, and after the B's ran out to the door, I was trying to get our crew out the door.  Somehow Jacob had in his mind that he needed to take his scooter.  Which I was definitely not going to let happen.  As we were going on the subway over to the Stake Center - which is on the subway, and it's just snowed A LOT this week, so there isn't space to really ride on the sidewalk with snow piled up anywhere.  Also, I was thinking of taking the kids to the Natural History Museum as we would already be over on the West Side and it would give us something to do while the B's were out.  Anyway - I was not going to carry a scooter around the museum!  Or on the subways!

However, Jacob was not thrilled with my decision of 'no scooter'.   In fact here is how our exit tried to go.  He wouldn't put his coat and boots on.  So, I started to walk out our door and down to the elevator.  Meanwhile Jacob decided to lay down on the floor in the hallway, yelling over and over "Scooter!  I want my scooter!"  I realized my strategy of pretending the problem didn't exist was not working, so I went and picked him up and carried him and my 2 bags and his coat, boots, hat and gloves to take the elevator downstairs....where he yelled and cried all the way down to the lobby.  I then tried to have him sit down so we could talk and I could get him ready - but he was still yelling at me, and when I asked him to please stop crying it was his official "NEVER!" response.  And so I tried to just put on his boots - which didn't work.  At this point, Madeleine realized she had forgotten something upstairs (this happens about  75% of the time, which pulls a whole new twist on the running back inside to grab something when you have to take the elevator up to 8).  I sent Madeleine back upstairs, while I picked up Jacob again and was going to walk outside with him....but then the crying started even more, and the doorman was giving me some looks (and this is our nice doorman, I can only imagine what Anne would have been doing or saying!), so I sat down where Jacob had sprawled himself next to the door and was in his full-blown tantrum phase.  Wow - there is nothing like taking the tantrum right in a prime public setting.  AHHHHHHH!

Somehow I finally got Jacob to listen - we seem to have this deal where once Jacob is partially exhausted from his tantrum, then I can tell him to stop crying, he will say he can't until he gets a hug, I give him a hug while his sobs/tantrums finally subside.  It tends to work...some of the time ;)

Finally, Jacob accepted a hug.  He calmed down, and we walked outside.  And then he remembered he wanted his scooter.  And we started the tantrums all over again.  I realized I had $20, but not a quarter in my wallet for the bus fare as the bus came by to go to the metro.  I got on and asked the guy if the bus would be able to tell if my MetroCard had enough money on it for fare.  So, I swiped my card and lucky me - there was 50 cents on my card that was now taken by insufficient fare, and got to step off the bus and listen to Jacob whining again about his scooter.  Wow - the day was just off to such a great start!

We were going to walk, when the red bus came and I decided to ask for mercy from the driver and see if I could pay back the quarter later.  Thankfully, the driver heard Jacob wailing beside me and my desperate face, and he told me no problem.  In a way....that was shockingly nice as he probably knew that he'd be listening to a crying child on his bus for an undetermined amount of time!  I took Jacob to the back of the bus, and finally he let me hold him and he quit crying --- and it helped I had a new pack of gum.  That piece of gum worked like magic.  Finally something was working like magic.

This story is taking forever - so here we go to faster reporting:

• The first subway transfer worked well, and at the 2nd one it was realized that the train station was closed, so we got to get out and walk the final few blocks.  Not a big deal - we are already late, Jacob is whining with each step that he wants his scooter.  Then he asks for his stroller.  Which I definitely want as well...
• We get into the church and take the elevator upstairs and realize the opening/welcome session of the meeting finished and people are in their first session.  Not the biggest problem I've experienced that day.  I got Jacob settled into the nursery room and Madeleine with some other girls that were there with their mom doing an art project and then I went to the room for the session - and realized all the seats were taken, and there wasn't even standing room.  Okay, not so much a problem.  I could just....no, I wasn't really comfortable just walking into another session which wasn't for me ---- really to go into the Nursery or Activity Days Session.  So, since I was running late anyway I thought I'd just take a minute to regroup and I went into an empty room to sit for a minute.  And I was enjoying my peace - until the door opened up and it was a gal in my ward and a high councilman so she could get set apart.  And I was a bit embarrassed.  
• Finally our session started and I enjoyed some new tips on leading music.  However, after the session we went in for some lunch - only to find out they had run out of food....again.  This is the 2nd time I have gone into a meeting at the Stake Center and the food is all gone!  I know I shouldn't expect much....it's just something nice that they offer, but I had kind of hoped that I'd have a little bit of something yummy to eat.  Oh - and they hadn't set up enough tables so that was a bit awkward for those of us that came in from the last session. 
• I'm hungry and talking to two of the ladies in our primary, and someone from the stake comes up and goes to the gal in the middle and says, "Thank YOU for coming to the training today," and shakes her hand and then walks off.  Hmmmm...that was a bit interesting.  I turned to her and said, "Do you know her?  Is she like the...?"  Her response was affirmative - that was the Primary President for our Stake and they had never met.  This stake and their personalities can be rather bizarre!  I know this sounds sensitive....but still sometimes I just wish people would think through what their actions do and how others feel from them?!!! 
• As we were leaving the church, I stopped to talk to the gal that is called as co-chorister in our primary. That is right, we have 2 choristers!  The bishopric wants us to share the calling so that we can each go to Sunday School and Relief Society.  That makes sense and is nice.  However, there are some parts to sharing a calling like this that can get tricky - so I stopped to talk to the other chorister and see about some options.  And it ended up that she was telling me how we should run this.  And to be truthful, that did bother me just a tad.  But then again ---- there were already many triggers that had already set me off today, this was just a minor annoyance. 
• I decided that we would go ahead and go to the museum, although I was hungry and starting to get a headache from lack of food.  Jacob was whining that he was tired.  And I was carrying an extra bag with Madeleine's American Girl Felicity tucked inside....but at least we weren't also toting the scooter around! 
• We needed to take a little stroll over and up a few blocks to catch the subway....since Jacob would complain every step of the way....and he did.  So we walked 8 blocks to take a subway another 8 blocks.  And then we were finally at the museum....
• ....and I realized I was still very hungry.  And my head was starting to pound.  However, all I could in my head was Bryson saying "Don't spend any money it's the end of the month!"  So, what is a girl to do?  If I had been smart I would have just gone for a big salad, but instead I took the kids on an adventure around the museum which sits on a huge block - looking for Shake Shack to get a burger.  Then, when we found it...the line was insane.  I actually couldn't even see where the end of the line was.  So, I decided against that place, and went to the Deli next door, and got a bagel and cream cheese for Madeleine and Jacob to share - and I still didn't get anything to eat. 
• After we finally got into the museum I realized the line was sooooo long, and double-checked with the kiddos to make sure they wanted to stay.  They did.  I finally got through the line and we boogied into the exhibits.  As we were walking through and seeing all these incredible exhibits - I realized....I was still hungry AND my legs were tired....just like Jacob's.  Who still happened to be complaining.  
• Meantime I was trying to get in touch with Bryson Sr. to find out where they might be on their special outing, because I know Bryson Jr. had wanted to go to the Natural History Museum.  I didn't want to crunch in on their time - but I really wanted to meet up and have dinner.  Ugh. 
• Finally after we had wandered through most of the 1st floor of the basement, we decided it was time to head home.  We waited at the subway station for an extra special amount of time, and then when a subway train came we got on....and I remember thinking that Train C might not get us where we want, but then again the trains were mixed up this morning and we had made it to the right transfer. 
• This time the train was wrong.  And we went one stop too far.  And that was a major mistake. 
• It ended up that that extra stop, needed to be two, because I couldn't switch from going to downtown to the uptown train.  We took the subway one extra stop - which landed us at the 42nd Time Square stop which is where we needed to switch trains - AND directions, and it wasn't the usual up and over to switch trains.  Ahhhh....by this time my patience was wearing very thin. 
• We finally got to the right side of the train station and waited another crazy amount of time for the right time.  Then took the train back in the direction to the station that I should have changed at the first time, and then changed trains to wait for yet another train. 
• Have I mentioned how hungry we are all at this point?  Which is making us a bit on the grumpy side....
• We finally got to the island train station when I got the text from Bryson that they were home, so I thought it would be great to have Bryson start dinner....although he was busy watching BYU get beat in basketball.  So that idea didn't work so well...
• We hopped off the bus and ran into our island grocery store to grab a few things that we'd need & then tromped through the snow - with Jacob complaining (I'm seeing a pattern to this day!).
• We finally got home and all I could think was that this was a day that I wish we had just stayed home!  Sometimes the adventure of living and being out and about in NYC is not that much of an adventure, but feels more like the trials that accompany life anywhere else you might be in the world.  Even in Australia there are terrible, horrible, no good very bad days!

snow day!

We FINALLY get a snow day from school today! Yeah! I was talking to my mom last night, and was telling her about all the snow coming down during the day - I don't think it stopped, it only went from very intense, to intense, to small flakes that fell for about a half hour. I can't believe how much snow we got. Now if only we could go skiing today..... {sigh}

A few things that I wanted to write down from little happenings this past week - and I'm working to get my pictures onto a post. My camera broke last fall, and all my pictures have been on my iphone. Which I have no idea how to download to the computer - and was ready to try during Christmas break, but when Bryson went to sync his phone to his computer, he lost all of his information. Everything. I don't want to lose my pictures, and I've never downloaded anything from my phone (I know, I'm pathetic with technology)....so I email my pictures one at a time, and it is taking forever! Therefore, pictures will come at some point.

JACOB:

Yesterday before his preschool started we were working on his letters. He knows all his letters and sounds - something I wish I could take credit for, but he wasn't really interested in learning the alphabet with me....it was once he went into his pre-k class and Ms. Haya worked her magic. Love that lady.

Now Jacob goes around singing his alphabet and saying all the sounds and will do mini-lessons with me when he is in a good mood. Today we had a cherry on top experience. When I picked him up from class, Ms. Haya had me come in to see what Jacob had worked on that day. He had drawn a picture of our family, and underneath with her help he had sounded out and spelled 'Mi Famile' - yahoo Jacob! Seriously it amazes me what these children pick up on and how fast they are learning.

Other Jacob news - he got 2 boxes of Band-Aids for Christmas and has had at least one band-aid on his body at all times since then. My favorite was the Scooby-Doo band-aid that was on his forehead for at least 10 days. EVERYONE would ask him what had happened, and his response was always, "I was trying to take it off". Hmmmmm....we were all a bit confused. I would then whisper that he got band-aids for Christmas, and they were Scooby-Doo, and so then the person would nod knowingly at me. I finally realized that I needed to get the band-aid off his forehead, or there would have been a permanent mark.

Jacob makes us laugh.

Except when he is grumpy. When he is not in a good mood and does not want to do something, he will shout "NEVER"! Sometimes it's funny....sometimes it drives me nuts. Still, we love that boy.

BRYSON JR.:

Last week I was in my new cleaning routine, and found my egg cups that I got when I nannied in Paris. I was ready to throw them out...I have yet to use them, but then I remembered that I have a little boy that doesn't just like eggs - he loves them! So, one morning I boiled 3 minute eggs, and cut up the toast into little fingers (strips) and served the new breakfast to Bryson. The result - one of his new favorite meals! He couldn't get over how great it was to have his own toast strips to dip into the egg, and how awesome it was to have an egg sitting in its' own cup.

I love how easily entertained children can be. :)

In other news: Bryson's favorite subject is writing - which both the teacher and I love but are a bit puzzled over. Last year it would take him forever to get a story written out and he would protest writing anything. I suppose he has finally found his niche with writing. Hooray! With the love of writing, he loves-loves reading. One day he wasn't feeling good, so he stayed home from school and he enjoyed laying in bed and finishing one of his 'A to Z Mystery Books'. I wasn't sure if we would have anyone that loves reading as much as Madeleine - but thankfully Bryson seems to be holding his own in this area!

He is working on waking up more happily each day, something that he was not really great at. In fact, mornings were a time of day I dreaded. There was yelling, pretending to be asleep, not getting dressed - and just an overall horrible start to the day. Last week we did a FHE lesson on goal setting, and to make it something that the children could really understand and do - I decided to take areas that we wanted to improve in our family & home and divide those into monthly themes. The them we are working on in January is our MORNING ROUTINE. We each picked something from just our morning routine that would help our family and the spirit in our home. What a difference this made for Bryson to be working on a specific goal - and he did a much better job at waking up, and it made such a difference for the feeling in our home, and he loved putting the smiley face on his chart each day and working towards a reward. Now - if we can remember to keep those goals going for the 2nd week in a row and working on our new goal as well! Baby steps.

Bryson had a little Open House at his Tap Class this past Monday, and really rocked the coffee grinder move, and is excited to sign up for another season of tap. He's got rhythm..who could ask for anything more?!

MADELEINE:

Was given the role as Class President of her 4th Grade by her teacher (the student that reached 100 points first was given the role as President) and is thrilled with everything about school. Last week as we were walking out at the end of the school day, her science teacher saw her in the hall with Bryson Jr. and Jacob and she told her, "I didn't know you had two brothers! Wow - you must have a lot of patience!" I told her she definitely was an angel around our house, and the teacher started to go on and on about how much she adored Madeleine and was so impressed with how smart she is and that she gets along so easily with all students and is someone the teacher can count on. Madeleine was beaming in her quiet/shy way, and I was filled up with immense gratitude for this girl. I gave her a big hug as we exited the building and told her how much I loved her. That was a great day.

Madeleine took her goal seriously to get up early and practice the piano each day, and she even recognized the need to remind me to get to bed earlier each night so I could make my goal of getting up on time each day. She is usually my alarm clock - she has an internal button that the rest of us don't have, and will get up at the same time each day....as always, she is super reliable.

She also had her Open House for ballet - both she and Bryson have dance class the same nights...thankfully! She did a wonderful job, with another year of ballet she is become more graceful and is picking up on the steps very quickly. The main thing we are working on: flexibility. In my family we are not naturally flexible. It takes work - and a lot of it, to get our muscles to the point of being able to do what other people take for granted. The good news, as the teacher was doing her stretches and touching her foot to her forehead....she said she was the same way when she was a little girl. Now, we are working with Madeleine to get her ready for a ballet audition at a school in the city. It would be where she would go to school next year if she made the audition. We are exploring so many options right now with schools, moving, etc. - that I figured it would be worth it to have her audition and see what happens.

Unless we move out to Westchester before then.

The rest of the family:

We still aren't sure what we are doing regarding a move, and we need to know by TUESDAY! Yes, that is in 5 days. And crazy enough, we aren't that stressed about it. I think we are in denial.

I'll write more and fill in pictures later - I need to get these kiddos over to a friends' place to play, outside to play in the snow and a quick drive over to Costco - hoping that the drivers aren't more crazy today with the snow....it's always an adventure driving here, and with the snow it could be a lot more interesting.

Until later.

the irony

I was dusting off our side table by the kitchen table, and picked up a little plaque that I got last year at Deseret Book.

As I was dusting it I was reading over the inscription --- which I have read dozens of times before. However, this time I paused to re-read and then laughed out loud at the irony of the saying:

'The best things in life aren't things'

Hmmmm. I suppose the only way to put that saying up, is on a THING and I know it's not talking about that specific thing. Still, it makes me laugh. :)

our secret agent

The kiddos had a babysitter tonight so that I could run some errands, and then go to a PTA meeting.

Madeleine must have been working as a secret agent, because she got on Bryson's computer and sent me an S.O.S. message - which I just got when checking my email, and had a great laugh at her creativity and sense of wanting to help set things right.

I love that girl.

Hi!!

The boys are not doing what they were told!!!

DDDDOOOOOO SOMETHING!!!!

MADELEINE

*and yes...it was in a font size that was HUGE!

Attitude of Gratitude Project

One of the things that I want to do better at this year - in life - is to be grateful and express that thanks for the little to big things each day.

Around Thanksgiving I realized that as an individual and as our family, I wanted to do a daily check-in and share what we are each grateful for.  To say just one thing we are grateful for.  No matter how small or grand the thing is - but to share the first thing that comes to mind of what we are thankful for that day.

We started this week, and I was amazed and thrilled with how excited the children were to participate.  And how wonderful it was for myself as well, both for my own reflection and to see inside the hearts of those 3 little munchkins that continually surprise us.  Each night they reminded me to get out my post-it pad and write down our list of things we are grateful for, and became better each night at really listening to what the others' had to say.

I might come up with a better idea of how to post these...by the day?  On a separate list?  For now - I'm going to do a quick review from this week and share our Attitude of Gratitude list....and when I read these again and again, I was struck by how happy for the things that we as a family are grateful for, and that we are sharing them together.

{*note:  we are still working on how to add Bryson Sr. to the mix.  He isn't here at night during the weekday, and even some weekends - so we might need to start calling him at work and try to get his input that way.  It's a work in progress - and we'll work out the little kinks eventually}


***********************************
Monday - January 17th

Jacob:  {ummmm...he didn't get what we were doing - better results tomorrow!}
Bryson Jr.:  Food.  Any kind of food.
{we were finishing up dinner when we started this, and Bryson was enjoying the last few bites of his meal.  He cracks us up with his love of food!  He relishes food like Ethel did on 'I Love Lucy'....if you haven't seen an episode with her enjoying a meal or a treat...you should.  Rather entertaining and endearing....at times.}
Madeleine: that we could go to the movie theater as a family
{as part of the children's wish list of things to do over the holidays, we put down to go and see Tangled together in the theaters.  We finally went on Monday with the holiday.  Bryson Sr. was working as he had all weekend, but thankfully he drove with us to the theater and only had to step into Starbucks to use their Internet for 3/4 of the show.  So - best part....the kiddos remember that we went to the movies as a family since  that is how we started and finished the outing!  AND what a darling show it was!  Seriously, probably one of my favorites in a very, very long time!}
Summer/Mom:  Grateful for lessons that hard work does bring rewards that we can enjoy!  
{we really focused on boosting the children's piano practicing this week and what a difference!  The last few weeks I was frustrated that we were paying money for them to sit through lessons where they were not as prepared as they should be.  The piano teacher is amazing, but she tells them that they only need to practice each piece a few times a day - and they took her at that, and weren't making the progress needed on each piece.  I decided to up their practice time, and to have them leave the piano when they had mastered a certain part of their song, or their exercise....and we had such a better week!  They were excited to see the difference as well - and that was even better than feeling that we finally got our money's worth out of going to a lesson prepared.  Yeah!}
*******************

Tuesday - January 18th 

Madeleine:  Thankful for Mommy - you helped me with my math 

Bryson Jr.:  For Ms. Z and my classmates, so I can learn, play and help each other.

Jacob:  going to Pre-K

Summer/Mom: Happiness from my children.  Wow!  What a difference a day makes! :) 

slip sliding along

Bryson's two front teeth are still coming in...therefore he can't say a few words very clearly still.

Such as ship.

Right now I'm on one computer working on a photo book, and the 3 children are camped out around the other computer doing a game, while we wait for Daddy to get done with work - again (he's been in every day this weekend, always for a couple of hours that turns into 6-8...I forgot this was our life for a brief week during Christmas break...sigh).

Anyway - Bryson Jr. is doing some game where he keeps trying to get on the darn ship...or so he says.

And I am finding it very comical with how he is saying it.

Funny. Kids. Laughing is good :)

if only....

If only....

*I had realized I had my shirt on backwards earlier today. I have on a black turtleneck and never noticed the itchy tag up front until just recently. How bizarre that it is driving me nuts now, but I didn't feel it all day long?!

If only....

*It would have snowed a little bit more and we would have had that snow day. A day to curl up and watch a good movie, possibly play in the snow (depending on how crazy the wind was), and forget about the responsibilities for at least one day.

If only....

*The person in charge of Girl Scouts had put in the DAY they were changing the meetings to, and not just the time. It would have been much warmer to stay inside, then to take the bus to pick up Madeleine's friend and go down to a meeting that ends up being on Friday and not tonight {really, who has Girl Scout's on Fridays?! This isn't going to work out if they keep that day}.

If only....

I had the desire to put away our Christmas decorations. I don't. I love them up - warm and cheerful, and besides without lights in the ceiling the tree lights are providing light in the area of the Living Room that is usually dark. I can't imagine our space without that little tree - even though, I could definitely be happy having that precious space back. Dilemma. Do I leave the tree up for a little bit longer (I did also want some greenery in this room last fall, and thought about getting a tree anyway!), or do I take down the tree and try to find a lamp. Probably more realistic the latter - but still so sad to think of actually putting away the decorations. And a pain - the boxes are at the very bottom of our "storage" closet, which is our Master Bedroom closet. Lovely - maybe I'll just wait to see if we move before I pack up twice!

If only....

*We had $4,000 a month to spend on a place to live. Then we could afford the rent for some of these homes that I am finding in the area we are contemplating moving to. I don't even like to think about the size home I'd get for $4K in Utah, Texas, Florida....or Wisconsin. I know random right? It's not like there are jobs in ANY of these states for us - but I have watched with fascination people finish school with us or a year behind us and move to these areas and buy homes that are new, huge and with a mortgage that is less than we spend on our rent each month.

Oh well. All I really want right now is a 2nd bathroom. And if really pressed, I'd take a 3rd bedroom for Madeleine. But I just really want that 2nd bathroom for about 3 situations each day when everyone suddenly needs the bathroom at the same time! :)

And by the way - we are NOT spending 4K for a home. That would be ridiculous at this time.

If only....

*I could come to grips with where we need to be living next year. We sat for our Exec. Board Meeting today with the PTA. I am a little tired of being on the "crossroads" with situations with the Administration that were the same issues a year and a half ago. We are now at our own crossroads with our own family and life, and need to decide if we will stay here for any more time after February...whether it's until the end of the school year, to move in February, or sign for another 18 month lease and then consider moving for Madeleine in Middle School. Or to stay here for Middle School? I just don't know what is going to happen - and it's too complicated at times to think through.

I have talked to so many parents about applications for Middle Schools in the city. And these are for PUBLIC schools! You have to apply for everything here. I have thought about having Madeleine home schooled next year, and keeping the boys at the school.

The issue for me is that in looking at the areas up in Westchester, they are established with a well run Administration and a Teaching Staff that is NON Union, as compared to our teachers here in the city that seem to be bound by everything due to the stupid (sorry) Union. I really dislike Unions. And you know what is really strange here. There is so much pressure from Unions that makes it terrible on those that don't want to join them. Teachers don't seem to have a choice - but around the city when a business is in trouble for something with the Union, someone via the Union puts up a big blown up RAT outside of their building. It's a huge visual sign to ostracize this company, for I have no idea what - I'm sure some things might be terrible, but come on....a blown up RAT? I think Unions are the bigger rats.

Anyway, the schools in the 'burbs are funded by property tax that has allowed them to keep in programs that our school cut out. They have all the perks that we don't - however, it's not in the city. Which brings me to....

If only....

*Bryson wouldn't work such crazy hours, so that his trip home at night (if we did live out in the burbs) would take the 15-20 minutes that it does here. Well, if he takes a car it can be longer - but one day he called me as he was leaving his desk. 12 minutes later his key was in the door. That was a magical commute as the train had arrived right when he went down to the platform, and the Red Bus was right outside the station when he got home to the Island. I don't think we have had many 12 minute commutes - 15 to 20 is more realistic, and moving out would put him between 40 and 50 minutes.

If only thinking about 3 children and their school, life and what is best for them didn't make it so that the one person that makes this all possible with providing for us with his job - had to have such a drastic change.

If only.....

I could hire someone to make this decision for us. To look at the apartments here that we could move into. To look at the homes out in Westchester. To look at the Middle Schools here in the city. To tour the Elementary and Middle Schools out there. To weigh out walking, bus, subway and rental car here. To find a car that we would buy if we move out. It sounds like it would be easier on our lifestyle eventually to move out - but moving is never easy right at first. A lot of changes, and figuring things out. I don't like to stress out, and I'm not - it's just a lot when I start to think of everything we need to take into consideration.

If only this decision were done and put behind us. I'd love to pretend it just doesn't exist....but then if I do that, we'll be stuck with the decision to stay here only because I didn't put forth the effort to find out other options.

Man 'if only's' are dangerous and I shouldn't play this game often. It could become depressing and maybe too easy to wallow in my own if only this would come true of us mentality! - although for tonight, it was helpful and my own way to sort out some feelings.

Now....if only we can follow our hearts and promptings and make sure that we are making the best decision coming up. Actually that if only needs to be 'of course, only...'